With this New Year

To mommy's Angel,

It's bittersweet. In Dec 2009 you were given to me with all the hopes and dreams that come along with a new baby. Our lives were filled with joy, happiness and the dreams of the future. In March 2010 that was all taken away.

It's been 9 months since we lost you and all the pain and saddness is still in my heart but I've learned to deal with it. You will always be in my heart and mind while you are in heaven. It's been a rough and rocky 9 months but we've survived. I think it's mostly because of you, you are the reason I keep going. I wishing and hoping that we will have a baby to carry on your memory and one of their own.

You have impacted my life in ways that no one will ever understand. Some days I'm bitter and mad that you arean't here to share your life with us but there was a reason. I may not know that reason yet, but I will. In time when you feel I'm ready you will let me know.

Mommy loves you forever and ever!

We are currently on lifes hardest journey. Learning to deal with a late loss and recently an early loss. I look at my life and wonder, wow I'm only 27 and I've lost my daughter, another baby, my husband has lost two Grandparents. All in one year, how much pain can one family endure. With my dear Husband standing hand and hand with me, we can get though anything. Our marriage has been tested time and time again but we are now stronger then ever before.

I've come to realize (and this may sound harsh):

She's gone, I can't bring Farrah or baby #2 back so what can you. All you can really do is move forward in your life. I'm not saying get over it or leave it behind, but make them proud of you. Put the pieces in your heart back together the best you can and make your life better. The heart ache someone endures with the loss of any child is much more painful then anything in this world. Your hopes, dreams future plans are gone and all you have are the memories of your angel and the pain of losing them.

For anyone who has lost a child, it does get better. I know when it's fresh and recent and you think there is no hope. But this has been my life for the last 9 months and if I'm still standing here so can you. It never goes away but it does get better.

Wishing everyone a happy, heathy and wonderful New Year. I hope you get everything that your heart desires. Lots of love from me to you.

Hello Angel, It's Mommy

I know it's been a while since I've written to you but you know I hold you in my heart each second that passes. You would be 2 months old by now and it's been 7 long months since we lost you.

Another one of our Angels has joined you in heaven and I miss you guys each day.

Daddy and I are doing better then ever, still have ups and downs but getting thru it. We are trying to decide if we should TTC again. In my heart and mind it's all in Gods hands now. It's been 7 months since we lost you and almost 4 months since we lost our other Angel.

Your big brother and I were talking about you this morning and he was asking me questions. He hasn't done that since we were in the hosptial. I told him about how big you were, how beautiful you are and 100% perfect. One day when he's older and understands things I will show him your pictures. He loves you and the thought that your not here is hard for him.

We love you very much and miss both of you every day. Words can not express the pain that is in my heart but also the love I share for both of you.

I am send all my love you guys in heaven.

Love you both always,

Mommy, Daddy and your Big Brother!!!

Hello Angel,

My sweet angel, mommy misses you! Today you would have been full term, 37 weeks. 3 weeks until you should have been here.

I love you so very much, this has been a very hard year. I'm not sure what to write about but you know what's going on. I know your watching over Daddy and I all the time.

There's alot of would of:

• In Oct. when grandpa comes home from overseas for a visit, you were one of the reasons he was coming home to visit.
• Also in Oct. when we go on vacation with grandpa and grandma you would have been there, your first official vacation and only at maybe 3 months. I know it would have been soon but it was going to be for grandpa.
• It would have been your first holiday season, first Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years and you would have only been 4 months.
• You would have been here for Mommy and Daddy's first wedding anniversary
• You would have been here for your big brother first day of 5Th grade

And there are only two things that are here, I love you more then anything else in this world and I miss you so very much all the time.

I love you my sweet angel Farrah.

Always & Forever,

Your Mommy

Good morning Angel

To my sweet dearest Farrah...

I fall asleep thinking about you, I go day by day missing you and wake up thinking of you. My heart is broken but filled with so much love for you. I miss you more and more with each day that passes but we are okay. I love you more then anything else in this world and you are the most beautiful thing to happen to me. You have shown me strength, undying love and beauty that I could have never imaged. And all this in only the 5 months I had you in my tummy and the hour I held you in my arms. I love you angel and will hold you in my heart for eternaty.

Mommy and Daddy love you so much!!!

It's been a while

To my sweet angel Farrah,

Hi honey, I know it's been a long times since mommy wrote you a letter but you know I think about you all the time. We miss you and love you so much and you will always be in our hearts. There are still bad days but we are getting though them together.

Mommy and daddy are doing better, your service was so wonderful. We are so thankful for everything that they did. It was a very hard time for us but I know that you helped us get though this. You are my sweet angel watching over all of us right now. Remember to keep a close eye on grandpa right now, he needs his little angel to watch out for him while he's over seas.

So it's official, daddy wants to start trying again. We have to wait two more cycles then we are cleared to start trying.

We are going to make you a little brother or sister to watch over. Well I just wanted to tell you that I love you and miss you each and everyday!!

By the way, the ladies on the bump have been so nice to me and have helped me out though this time in my live. I hope your having fun playing with all the other little angels up there.

Mommy loves my sweet little angel so much!!!

This has been a very trying time in our lives and I am so very thankful for all the love and support I have gotten from family, friends my my bump ladies. You have all been so wonderful and helpful. I don't think I would have made it though this rough time in our lives without you ladies, you guys will always hold a special place in my heart!!!

With all the love and hugs I can send you guys sincerly,

Me

8 Week follow up

So today was my 8 week follow up appointment with my doctor. He said everything looked good and we have a game plan for next time.

So I had my follow up today and this is what the doctor said. A month prior to TTC I should come back and get cultures done and other test. Check the cervix for anything, make sure nothings in there, oh and he told us to wait 6 months! We have four left. Then when we do get pregnant again they will be doing more ultrasounds, cultures and blood work, monitor me a whole lot more. Also said around or between 18-20 weeks check for incomplete cervix or weak cervix. He said it could have been what caused the loss but doesn't know for sure because I had no signs or anything in my history to cause this. If that's the case or anything slightly looks like ICC they will put something in place after 19 weeks. And also said we will deliver at 36 weeks. I hope this helps. Also he does not recommend any BC because it will mess up the cycle and throw everything off.

Some of the girls on the board have told me that the cervix should be checked soon and so I'm going to call the doctor tomorrow.

To my dearest sweet Angel Farrah,

Mommy thinks about you everyday, all day, all the time. I love you so much and miss you whole bunches. Daddy misses you too!!! We are not giving up hope and have been doing a lot better. Today mommy went and got a mani, pedi and eyebrow wax done and thought of you the whole time. I even got pink french tips because I know that would be your favorite color just like mine. I think it is because I know you would be coming. I hope your watching over your grandpa, he needs his little angel with him while he's overseas. I can never tell you how much I LOVE you, I MISS you and think about you. You are truly a gift from God in my heart. It does hurt that your not here and I've come to terms with that (kind of) but I will hold you so close to my heart for ever!

Mommy's love forever!!!!


P.S. Please be my strength for 5/25/2010, Daddy and I really need you to hold us together.

Mother's Day

So today was Mother's Day...It was pretty hard but we got thru it. Mommy misses you Farrah and as always I was thinking of you all day long!! Mommy loves you so much. There is this board that has helped me out to get thru this hard time and I get to share stories about you and that makes me happy!! I think of you and all the other babies playing in heaven and that makes me happy too.

Daddy misses you so much and I know he talks to you. This week was really hard for both of us and yes we were fighting this week a whole lot but it's because we miss you so much and it's hard to get over our little angel. We love you so much and send you sweet kisses all the time.

Remember baby, Mommy and Daddy miss you and love you so much!!!