My sweet baby Farrah..

We had been trying on and off for about a year. Finally early December we found out we were pregnant. We were so excited and happy, I called both my sister (who have kids) and shared the news.

Everything was going fine. Did all the doctors appointments and test, all was normal.

March 27, 2010 at 6:05 AM it all started. I felt like i had wet myself. When i went to the restroom it all came rushing out. I was only 19.5 weeks and I could not control myself. I called my husband who was working and he rushed home.

Shortly after I was admitted to the ER and the doctor ran all the test, blood, ultrasound and exam. He confirmed that my water broke and he couldn't stop or help. The baby wasn't going to make it. My heart was ripped from my chest and ripped in half.

My baby still had a heartbeat at this time and the hospital I was at didn't do abortions (so glad), I was sent home and told to call my normal doctor. I went home and called the doctor for a appointment the next morning to find out of the water was fill back in or not.

I sat at home all night and all I could think of was this is not happening to me, this couldn't happen to me. The next morning as we were getting ready to go to the doctor i felt some thing come out but would not leave my body. Scared the crap out of me.

We got to the doctors office and did the ultrasound. There was no more water left and the heartbeat was gone. I lost it and could not control my crying. I soon found out that it was the cord that had already come out and I was having contractions. No I could not understand why! The doctor sent us to the hospital for Labor and Delivery.

Every second I was laying in that bed I was thinking of what i did and maybe how i could save my baby. I was in labor for four hours and finally the baby was delivered. I cried the whole time I was pushing but thankfully my husband was there right next to me.

I delivered a baby girl, 11 oz and so perfect! He name is Farrah Jade Mendoza. She stole our hearts and will forever hold them. She had my husband lips and long leg and my skinny fingers.

The hospital we were at was wonderful. We held Farrah and I told her that I love her and always will, told her I was sorry and I would never forget her in a million years. We spent about an hour with her and then I was moved to another floor.

The next day leaving the hospital was so hard, I couldn't leave there without her and cried the whole way home. It's been 2.5 weeks since we lost our little angel and it's been so hard. The hospital gave us the blanket's she was in, a little baby hat and so booties. They also took some very wonderful pictures of her. My life will never be the same again.

We knew Farrah was going to change our lives forever and she did. She may not be here with us but there isn't a second of the day she's not in our hearts and mind.

I cry each day and yes I do envy other pregnant women or women with newborns, but that's to be expected. But it will be my time soon. My husband has been the great with me thru all this. I can admit I have been pretty harsh to him the last few days. I love him, Anthony (son) and baby Farrah forever. I want to let everyone know how special she is to me and yes, I miss her each day that passes. At times I blame myself but I know deep in my heart (don't fully understand it) but this was her path. She is with God now and will never endure pain, suffering or hurt. She is forever young and will always be a part of me and our family.